english problems

i still remember all those times during english class in mgs that had me staring at that blank piece of paper, racking my mushed up brains, trying to string together a decent sentence to form a couple of intelligent paragraphs with outstanding topic sentences that are even remotely related to the boring/dreary/tedious/dry (take your pick) topic that had been chosen for and thrust upon me.

man i miss those times.

here's a chance in writing class now to write about absolutely ANY topic i want in the world and guess what?! i'm stuck! i'm in a rutt, backed into a corner, chewing-gum-left-in-hair-overnight-plain-ole stuck!! worst part is, this essay, THIS special essay, is gonna be critiqued by 22 people in what my prof calls a workshop! yes! 22! each one of those 22 people is gonna get their very own copy of MY essay and have to write THEIR comments on it. it's a great idea and all but it also makes me wanna dig up a hole and hide. maybe that's why i'm having troubles thinking of what to write. back home, our essays were for the teacher's eyes only. well mine at least. mine were never good enough to be made available to the entire co-hord.

arggg.. i need inspiration!! i need an idea!! i need a topic!! and, gosh, i need it now..

here's a random thought i had in between classes today. gee, i'm getting thoughts for all the wrong things. sigh.

i know there's an issue that needs my attention
but somehow i'm just letting it be
and then i think to myself
(yes, what a wonderful world. really. it is.)
if theres not enough motivation in/for me to resolve the issue
then maybe i don't want the issue resolved
as badly as i think i want it to be in the first place
and if there's always gonna be that
gaping hole in the situation
something which i cannot accept by the way
then maybe i shouldn't accept it
maybe all this was
just my conscience way of controlling my impulses
and rectifying the situation
something that i've always wanted but shouldn't want
my conscience managed to inadvertently take control of such a situation
to expose all the kulongs in what i used to deem perfect
that my impulses have been covering up all this time
my conscience did that by not doing anything.
i have actually already rejected what i've always wanted all along
doing what's best for me
by letting those kulongs be exposed for what they truly are - kulongs!

or here's another thought
maybe we let situations be, to grow stale,
or be left unattended like a small patch of grass
because right now we have no immediate 'perfect' plan to rectify the situation,
how to enhance our lives with that small patch of grass?
so we leave it, we never really walk away from it,
never really close the chapter on the book, never really shirk the responsibility,
but neither do we give it the TLC that it needs.
but when we try to pick it up again,
hours, days, years later when we've thought of a perfect solution,
we're disappointed to find that the situation has already decayed,
become rotten
nothing can ever grow out of the patch of grass anymore
it has deteriorated into something so horrible
we don't even want to go near it anymore
so ultimately
it is not because we wanted or choose for
things to turn out this way
but because we were too helpless
too helpless to ask for help
too helpless to talk it out
and
too darn proud to admit something was wrong in the first place.